4th IUI Officially Failed

So now that we are indeed staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, I've been licking my wounds and mentally recovering from the fact that my body, for whatever reason, is broken. And after meeting with Dr. Fertility on Friday, now know that it's IVF or adoption unless miracles happen. And we've been short on miracles around here. So, I'm officially starting the IVF prep cycle on Day 5, which will be Wednesday of this week.

It seems odd to me that in order to prep one's body for IVF, you have to go back on The Pill. Funny how you need to ensure you can't get pregnant for a month to ensure the best odds to get pregnant the following month. I go in for blood work tomorrow, and if everything look A-OK, I'll start birth control on Wednesday to "rest my ovaries". Right now I'm sort of skating on masked emotion, trying not to think about it too hard, or I might back out. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to hold onto my sanity.

Dr. Fertility wasn't as comforting this time around. He was 45 minutes late, and once he arrived at the consult, we had 15 minutes before I had to leave to pick up my son from school. So we got the abridged version of what IVF would entail, but I did not find it reassuring that he thinks with my "idiopathic infertility", that we have as great as 70% chance of conceiving per IVF cycle. With my odds, that 30% is an awfully big risk.

I wish someone would call and say they found a surprising inheritance that my grandmother hid when she passed away, and we would adopt in a heartbeat. I know to some people, adoption is the last option, the only hope. To me, adoption is the preferred option, just one we cannot afford. If $30,000 landed in our laps today, I'd be canceling the whole IVF thing tomorrow. It's crazy that it comes down to money. But I guess it always does, doesn't it? But if IVF works, and we get a wonderful little baby out of the deal, it will be worth it. I'm just worried about what happens if it doesn't work. I'm not prepared for that. I don't know if there is a way to prepare for that, really.

We will start the whole battery of hormones and drugs in October. Until then, I get a cycle off to rest my weary soul and my battered emotions. The storm ahead could be brutal. I will need all the strength I can muster.

Melancholy

Today I scheduled our IVF consult. I'm still bewildered and in disbelief that sperm + egg = baby has come to this. How on earth did we go from accidentally conceiving our beautiful son, to not being able to hold onto a single pregnancy? I think about this, obsess about this, probably more than is healthy. I lay out the facts and figures, and then try to think of all the possible answers, which of course, are none. I have a tipped uterus, and had to have a c-section with my son because he was breech- does that somehow factor into all of this? Though all tests conclude otherwise? Or maybe it's because I take too many bubbles baths, like coffee, don't exercise enough, or used too many chemicals somewhere in my lifetime? But I've tried not taking bubble baths, cutting out caffeine, exercising moderately, and living a greener life. Doesn't make a lick of difference.

So, here we are. Our son is 6 years old, perfect and beautiful in every way, and his requests for a sibling have pretty much subsided over the last year. My heart used to break when he would say "Mommy, why do all the other kids get to go home with other kids? Why do I always have to be by myself?" Oh, the tears shed over those words. My heart still breaks when he is playing with a family full of siblings, and he is immersed in the chaos that is sibling hood, and he is having the time of his life. I think about how different life would be for him if my body would just work the way it did with him. But it doesn't do any good to dwell, right?

Sometime soon we'll sit down with the Dr. Fertility, and he will lay out a plan for taking over my body hormonally, removing my eggs, fertilizing them with my husband's sperm in a laboratory, and then if all goes according to plan, sticking some embryos back inside me. It seems so incredibly foreign, so other-worldly to be even contemplating this. I know it's cliche, but life really isn't fair.

I wish we could afford to adopt.

I said the F--- word.

Today is 13dpo, or 14dpiui. I have taken a bazillion pregnancy tests, just waiting for that line to show up. And it hasn't. Tomorrow is D-Day, and at 9:30am I will be going in for an hcg test to end this last IUI cycle. And then it's onto IVF. 


I'm scared. 

The IUI Emotional Rollercoaster

For those who have never had an Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), it's not as big of a deal as one would think. Of course, that's if you leave the emotions out of it, which is easy to do until about 7 or 8 days past the IUI, when you begin to think "maybe if I took a home pregnancy test (hpt) now, it would be positive!" And so the insanity of the Two Week Wait takes full hold of you, and it becomes a pee-a-thon of stellar proportions. Oh, the money I have spent on pregnancy tests for the the past 3 1/2 years.... well, we could probably adopt! 


Since we've been told that this is our last IUI before we will have to move onto IVF, the stakes are that much higher. Because of this, I have made a note of every little thing that has been different from all the other cycles, and every little thing that has been different from the last three IUI's. Not that I think the differences will make one lick of difference. It's just that I need something to focus on, or I'm going to lose my mind. 


The funny thing about IUI cycles is that it's all one big dog and pony show, but your body is in control. You're given a variety of hormones, a chart to help you remember when to take which hormones on which day, and are subjected to a vaginal ultrasound not once, but twice (and sometimes more if you're body decides not to cooperate!). Oh, the joy of being an infertile woman. Thankfully, I'm now on a first name basis with my ultrasound tech, so I no longer care if I shave my legs for her or not. Weird, I know, but that's the crap you think of when you've got an ultrasonic wand shoved up your hooha. Your ultrasound on cycle day 3 shows if your egg follicles from the last cycle are all gone, and how many new ones are developing. You come back again after taking a bunch of follicle stimulating hormones, in my case Clomid, and then you get another ultrasound to see how big those egg follicles are. And how many. Usually I have two. One cycle I had three and had to decide if I still wanted to go forward, because 3 eggs could equal 3 babies. Eeek! But, with our luck (or lack of), we agreed to go forward with that one, and of course, that was a loser cycle. 

Anyway, back to the IUI. So, once it is decided your follicles are mature enough, you may or may not get an injection of HCG. Yes, the same hormone that pregnancy tests measure to see if you are pregnant. How cruel! This fun little event takes place with a needle to your stomach, but thankfully, only once. And surprisingly, if you do it yourself, it hurts less than if the nurse does it. Because you are much more kind to your body than the nurse is. Make a note of it. Once the hcg shot is given, you schedule your IUI. We did back to back IUI, meaning one IUI on one day, and another IUI on the following day. In our case, my lovely cooperative husband dropped the swimmers off in a cup at our fertility office, and then one hour later, I arrive for the party. The whole thing literally takes 15 minutes from start to finish. They stick in a speculum, which is the part that usually sucks, but usually not too bad, then they take a little catheter (after they've made you check a bazillion times that you & your partner's name are on the prepared swimmers' tube!), thread it through your cervix, inject the little buggers, and you're done. Lay down for 10-15 minutes, and then you can go about your day. Easy, right? It actually is. 


During this whole time you get to do bloodwork. Lots of bloodwork. Day 3, again on 7 days past ovulation, and again on 14 days past ovulation. That's the part I hate. That's a much bigger needle than the one to the stomach. But, the great thing about using an infertility center versus a general obgyn is that the blood work is usually back within 6 hours! Often I'll give blood at 7:30am and the nurse will call me by 2pm. That is fabulous. Gone are the days of waiting 2-3 days for results when you use an infertility center! 


Once your IUI is done, there's nothing to do but wait. And that is the hardest part. Because I get the HCG injection, also known as a trigger shot, I have to wait about 10 days past the injection to take an hpt, or the results could be a false positive. So what did I go and do this cycle? Took an hpt at 9 days past the IUI (9dpiui). And it was positive. Absolutely positive! Dark enough to see the line without squinting at all! So exciting, so hopeful!  That little voice inside my head knew it could be the trigger, but when I tested again this morning, fulling expecting a beautiful Big Fat Positive (BFP) on the test, it was barely a line. Still positive, but less so than yesterday. More than likely, my test yesterday picked up the last of the trigger shot. Stupid me. 

Can you see that faint little plus sign? Yeah, that's the culprit.

I was soaring yesterday, so sure it had worked, so sure that I could go shopping for baby clothes and a new crib and all the fun stuff that comes with knowing it worked. But now, doubt has creeped back in. What if the test was a chemical pregnancy? What if it was the trigger? What if this does work and I lose another baby? What if it never works at all? After this fourth and final IUI, the nurse handed me a patient satisfaction survey to fill out. I love the Fertility Centers of Illinois, so they got high marks for everything. But when they ask for any suggestions on how to make the experience better, I simply put "Guarantee Pregnancy. Just Kidding. Sort of." Yep, that would make the whole experience better. Knowing that there was light at the end of the tunnel.


And so, I keep waiting.