4th IUI Officially Failed

So now that we are indeed staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, I've been licking my wounds and mentally recovering from the fact that my body, for whatever reason, is broken. And after meeting with Dr. Fertility on Friday, now know that it's IVF or adoption unless miracles happen. And we've been short on miracles around here. So, I'm officially starting the IVF prep cycle on Day 5, which will be Wednesday of this week.

It seems odd to me that in order to prep one's body for IVF, you have to go back on The Pill. Funny how you need to ensure you can't get pregnant for a month to ensure the best odds to get pregnant the following month. I go in for blood work tomorrow, and if everything look A-OK, I'll start birth control on Wednesday to "rest my ovaries". Right now I'm sort of skating on masked emotion, trying not to think about it too hard, or I might back out. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to hold onto my sanity.

Dr. Fertility wasn't as comforting this time around. He was 45 minutes late, and once he arrived at the consult, we had 15 minutes before I had to leave to pick up my son from school. So we got the abridged version of what IVF would entail, but I did not find it reassuring that he thinks with my "idiopathic infertility", that we have as great as 70% chance of conceiving per IVF cycle. With my odds, that 30% is an awfully big risk.

I wish someone would call and say they found a surprising inheritance that my grandmother hid when she passed away, and we would adopt in a heartbeat. I know to some people, adoption is the last option, the only hope. To me, adoption is the preferred option, just one we cannot afford. If $30,000 landed in our laps today, I'd be canceling the whole IVF thing tomorrow. It's crazy that it comes down to money. But I guess it always does, doesn't it? But if IVF works, and we get a wonderful little baby out of the deal, it will be worth it. I'm just worried about what happens if it doesn't work. I'm not prepared for that. I don't know if there is a way to prepare for that, really.

We will start the whole battery of hormones and drugs in October. Until then, I get a cycle off to rest my weary soul and my battered emotions. The storm ahead could be brutal. I will need all the strength I can muster.